Now, I'm being charitable just continuing to call this guy my friend. Matt and I met freshman year of high school and were close friends for six years. I spent a ridiculous amount of time at his house, knew his parents and his siblings etc etc. Then around sophomore year of college he met Jenny. I met Jenny twice if memory serves. In those two meetings I apparently did enough to make her hate me. I remember making a few jokes that I didn't think anything of, but she took offense to them and she thought I was mean and treated people poorly. Despite the fact that I was Matt's friend for 6 years and he only knew Jenny for 6 weeks at the time, I was the one that was thrown out. He quit talking to me, quit hanging out with me, and didn't even have the balls to explain to me what happened. I didn't realize anything was amiss until I noticed Jenny had unfriended me on facebook and then it was through another mutual friend that I learned I had made her mad. I asked Matt about it and acted like he was oblivious to it.
Matt and Jenny dated for three years and then got married. Now, after three years of marriage she's asking for divorce. Now that they're divorcing I guess Matt feels like he has permission to talk to me again and sends me a facebook message saying "Hey guess what, Jenny and I are getting divorced."
The few details he's shared with me about their relationship make the divorce utterly predictable to anyone reading this blog. Matt was as low of a beta as you can be. He showed that by throwing out his old friends to appease the girl. Here are a few choice quotes, in his own words, followed by my interpretations:
Jenny became a personal trainer when we moved to [city omitted], and in February we had a conversation which boiled down to, "in order to save this marriage, I am going to need to work out and lose weight." So she trained me (weight lifting) and I worked out and did cardio daily. Shit wasn't changing for her, though, and our relationship was still strained. Ultimately she decided that she can't make it work, and two weeks ago Monday she told me that it was time for a divorce.Matt has always been fat. Once she became a personal trainer and spent her days around hard bodied self-motivated cocky men lifting weights, she started to become disgusted with Matt. It wouldn't be going out on too far of a limb to guess that she probably started cheating on him with some gym jocks. The other thing his experience demonstrates is that despite the fact that Matt has gotten into the best shape of his life, his looks weren't enough to get her to stay. She had to train him. She had to give him the push, she had to tell him what to do. This mentor/student relationship dynamic can work if the man is the mentor, but it will destroy all attraction if the woman is in the dominant role. If she was feeling attracted to the men she was around in the gym it's as much their own determination and motivation that attracted her as it is their bodies. Even when Mike got the body, he lacked the personality traits that are essential to attract a woman.
It took me about four days of crying to figure out that she had prepared me better than anyone else in my life to be independent and happy. She got me training, so I'm in the best shape I've ever been in (160 pounds). [Note, he used to weigh well above 200 lbs and was all fat, no muscle] She encouraged me to see a therapist to tackle my anxiety issues, which lead to me finally accepting that I need help outside of myself to conquer them. I'm taking Zoloft now to help. And she taught me to be an advocate for my health.Jenny was Matt's life coach. He was a dependent child that needed her help to become a complete human being. I don't want to mock him for crying, but it's clear he's got the scarcity mindset. For him Jenny is not just one of many fish in the sea. He's got oneitis.
Next up is one of the biggest beta tells I've ever seen:
And what was holding me back was this stress about my relationship with her. She was really bad about showing me affection. And I would wait around for endless hours, languishing, just for her attention. It was so stressful and upsetting, but I'm such a patient dude and I love her so much that I was willing to waitThis is about as needy as you can be. And it's also the opposite of having an exciting lifestyle that you "invite" a girl into. Jenny was his whole world and he constantly needed her affection and approval to feel okay. Which naturally will destroy any affectionate feelings she would have for him, because he's just a sad fat unmotivated lump. Instead of getting out and doing something he's "languishing" and waiting for affection and approval. He's like a needy puppy dog, not a man, not a real husband or partner.
She's a wonderful human. The jewel of my life. But she has issues that I can't change for her which affected how our relationship panned out.Her "issues" are that Matt has none of the qualities that women find attractive. It's still a mystery to me what may have gotten her interested or attracted in the first place. Something must have made her hypergamy unit select him as being a worthy mate. I can't fathom what it was.
Anyway I thought you'd be interested in knowing because my relationship with Jenny is a big part of what degraded my relationship with you, since Jenny was pretty upset with how you treated people. It all seems silly now, actually. Because you were somewhat abrasive we stopped talking.Easy for you to say that it seems silly now. You abandon a friend and then come back when the woman abandons you. Also, "we" didn't stop talking. HE just cut me out of his life entirely. One of the jokes I made that apparently crushed her feelings was asking her about her what workouts she did for her delts. At the time I was working out quite regularly, and she was a short, skinny petite little girl. It's not a funny joke asking her about how she got her shoulders built up, but it wasn't mean either. Women shouldn't have big shoulders or big noticeable muscles. Yet she took offense to it.
Believe it or not, one of the things that Jenny did after you asked her what her workouts were was start working out. She's kind of buff now. She's also why I'm getting buff. So even though it was a comment made in jest, and she took it personally, it somewhat inspired who she is now.I was surprised by the last bit, although I shouldn't be. A million compliments from a boyfriend or husband won't have the same effect on a woman as one perceived insult from someone she barely knows. And, it also shows how stupid she is. I haven't seen her now, but if she's really "buff," she must be less attractive than back when she was skinny and petite with non-existent shoulders and arm muscles. No guys want to date a female bodybuilder. But every guy will turn his head when a slender nymphet walks by.
After he sent me these messages I responded and tried to share some of the things I've learned about women and relationships. Others have warned of how hard it is to "unplug" men from the "matrix." So far it seems true. I think the farther off track they are the harder it is for them to hear the truth. I tried to tell him some basic stuff, to go easy at first, using some cliches everyone's heard before, like "Nice guys finish last," and "Chicks dig jerks." Yet it's been about 3 or 4 days and he hasn't responded. So I assume I've offended his sensibilities. So maybe I won't hear from him for another six years. I don't really care either way. I don't owe him anything. I tried to share some truth and it's up to him whether he'll swallow it or not. If he can't see that the things I say are true now, right as he's being left by the woman he was willing to do anything for, then he'll never get it. His own life experience is the verification for everything I said. If that's not enough for him to see through the bullshit then there's no hope for him. But I offer up his experience for anyone reading this blog to learn from. If no good will come to him from it, let some good come to others.