Hypergamy Explains It

Ashley and I are friends with a couple that is similar to us. They come from different countries and different continents. They are already married. I'll call them Jose and Kate.

Ashley and Kate were recently talking about their "libido problems." Ashley told me about their conversation. Apparently, Jose and Kate's situation is far worse than the one I was/am in.

Kate went to South America for two years to study. While there she met Jose. They fell in love and got married. Then they decided to move back here, where Kate was from. So Jose is out of his element. He's from a poor south American country. Back in his home town, he had tons of friends, had a job, had his family, etc. In that context, he had lots of things going for him. Social proof, relative status, preselection (so I hear, he had lots of girlfriends in his hometown), etc. And since in that context Kate was the outsider, who didn't know people, didn't know the town, etc, Jose had relatively higher status than Kate. When they were in Jose's country the language is Spanish, and so he even had the linguistic advantage. She speaks Spanish, but for him it's his mother tongue.

Fast forward to the present. Jose is now living in Kate's country. He's trying to speak her language. He's trying to get along in her culture. He's got a low-status manual labor job since he had no education back home. She has to help him with his visa, she has to help him get a driver's license, she has to help him get signed up for language classes, she has to show him how things work in this country. "Mysteriously" Kate loses all sexual desire. Or so she says. Things are so bad that apparently she hasn't wanted sex in over a year. She gives poor Jose NO blowjobs, nothing. Apparently once about six months ago she just laid there and let him do his thing.

She doesn't understand why she lost all desire for her husband. But hypergamy explains it. When she was the foreigner in Jose's country, in Jose's home town, his status was high relative to hers. Now that he's in her country, in her town, his status has dropped relative to hers. She's got a master's degree and he doesn't even have the equivalent of a high school diploma. These things don't matter when you're living in a poor south American country, but move to Europe and suddenly education becomes an important indicator of status. In South America she married a cool stud but now in Europe she's married to an immigrant laborer.

Jose is a good guy and I feel really bad for him. I don't know how their situation could be helped. He's got a job, and he's not making terrible money, but there's not a ton he could do to address this difference in status issue. I've spent a lot of time around them (although not too terribly much since I've taken the red pill) and she is consistently condescending and disrespectful to him. He usually snaps back at her but his reactions are evidently not enough. He is clearly frustrated. He obviously doesn't know what to do. He deals with it by drinking. Every few months things kind of explode where he gets really drunk, they have a big fight, she insists he quits drinking, he complies for a while, then repeat. Before taking the red pill I thought he was irresponsible and likely an alcoholic. I was on Kate's side.  But now I view the situation totally differently. Like me, he left his old life behind to move to Europe with his lady. He left his family and his friends, and he has been rewarded by a dried up vagina and bitchiness and disrespect. I don't know how to help him because he's never confided any of their problems to me. I know about all this because Kate tells Ashley who then tells me. And of course no one but me understands the whys behind what has happened.

Part of me thinks Jose should go back home. If Kate wants to go with him, fine. That alone would probably relight her desire for him. He'd become the master again and she'd be the follower. If she wouldn't want to follow him, he should divorce her and go back anyway. I don't see other solutions. I can't even really try to give him advice, since he's never told me anything is even wrong. Sometimes I've tried to ask him, "How's things going, how're things with Kate," etc. But he always just says everything is fine.

I discussed the issue of cheating in this post, and while I'm generally against it, I think if I found out tomorrow that Jose had a girlfriend on the side I would feel that was totally justified. His wife is constantly rude to him, she has let herself balloon up in weight, she never (really truly never) wants sex, and doesn't even respect his needs enough to give him any handjobs or blowjobs to make his life any better. Now, cheating wouldn't fix any of his real problems, so it's not a solution. Game could help, and I'll try to help him but we don't see each other much, and he has never admitted to me he has a problem.