This is part two on me reporting on observations made during a weekend spent with another couple and a female friend also in a LTR.
To recap, there was me and Ashley, Frank and Mary, and finally Rita and Adam (although he only made a short appearance, I did learn about their relationship from stories Rita told). They all share a mutual friend I'll call "Peter." I actually met Peter at a party about a year and a half ago. But other than that I don't really know him. At this party I remember meeting his girlfriend. I remember them both primarily because his girlfriend was so damn pretty. I also remember hearing from Ashley that very night that he apparently cheats on this very pretty girl.
When Peter came up in conversation this weekend, the topic was once again on his cheating ways. Apparently Peter has three girlfriends at the moment. Plus whoever else he manages to seduce. So he's a highly successful seducer. A year and a half ago I would have just wrote him off as a jerk and meany for cheating on his girlfriend and I wouldn't have thought any deeper about the situation. Now thanks to game I've got a whole set of ideas and terminology to help me understand this situation.
The guy is clearly an Alpha. Since I don't know him I can't say whether he's a natural or whether he's familiar with game and pick-up artistry. Nonetheless, he has acquired a reputation for being a lady-killer. What I find the most remarkable is how complicit everyone is. Everyone agrees that his "primary" girlfriend is "super nice," and "so sweet." And I can say from having met her she's a real beauty. Yet no one feels moved to tell her that Peter cheats on her regularly. Certainly not Peter's male friends. But not even the females that know both of them. It's apparently never crossed Mary or Rita's minds to let this super nice girl in on the fact that Peter goes balls-deep in any snatch that comes along.
As a former romantic, soul-mate, true-love, fantasy-world inhabiting beta, I still find this shocking. I used to view cheating as one of the most terrible things someone could do. But, as it turns out the real world is full of people (read: animals) that fuck who they fancy when they can get away with it. I never used to understand how people could cheat and get away with it. The logistics of it seemed impossible. When I was living in fantasy land, I figured that if ANYONE found out you were cheating they would immediately tell your boyfriend/girlfriend. I thought that no one would cheat with you if they knew you had a girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband. But people do knowingly date people already in relationships. I was shocked to learn that Rita, one of my fiance's best friends has slept with two married men. She mentioned this casually, barely acknowledging that it might have been wrong to do so.
And now that I think about it, I cannot recall a single time in my life when someone was told by a friend or acquaintance about their boyfriend or girlfriend's cheating. I've known of cheating multiple times, but I myself didn't report it to the "victim," nor did anyone else. When people find out they're being cheated on they find out on their own. Everyone is complicit in cheating. Now, I'm sure there are cases when someone tells the party being cheated on. If I found out my brother was being cheated on I would tell him. If I found out my best friend was being cheated on, I'd tell him. But outside of these cases, it seems like everyone is more likely to let it happen.
People find lots of reasons to do nothing. Frank, Mary, and Rita explained Peter's cheating as being "stronger than he is." They say he "just can't help himself." It seems we're wired to accept and rationalize that alphas are "above the law" of fidelity. Another thing they said in regards to Peter is that his girlfriend "must suspect something at this point." So they even shift the blame to her, telling themselves that she either knows and accepts it or it's her fault for being too naive.
A part of the reason why everyone tends to be complicit in cheating is the fact that the person capable and guilty of cheating is usually going to be someone with high charisma. People like them so they don't want to mess up their lives. A guy that can do it is obviously going to be a high quality man. A woman not necessarily so, since spreading your legs is no accomplishment, whereas being a successful male seducer requires a lot of work. As I think about it, I've known about more men cheating than women cheating, too. When men cheat, I think we're more likely to boast about the accomplishment to our friends, and so it becomes known (everyone knows Peter's reputation). Since a woman cheating is no accomplishment, they will tend to keep it more secret. Do women tell their friends when they cheat? I would suspect that they would be far less likely to do so.
Now I'm not trying to moralize and say that Peter is terrible, or that anyone else is terrible for not telling on him. Just expressing surprise. Everyone, if asked, says cheating is a terrible thing yet many do it or sleep with someone they know is in a relationship or act indifferently when someone they know is doing it. Girls take guys back after finding out they cheated and guys do the same. Plus everything on TV seems to normalize cheating, from Desperate Housewives to Mad Men. Is it human nature or just a sign of the times?
If I were to moralize I think a man cheating is a lesser evil than a woman cheating. Female hypergamy means that if a woman is cheating on you, it's because she thinks the man she is cheating with is better than you. Her biology is telling her to get his genes and then use you for material and emotional support. That's also why it stings so badly when you're turned down for sex when you're already in a relationship. It's like her genes have changed their minds, and have gone into standby mode, waiting for a better sperm donor to come along. She's still bonded to you and wants you as a provider, but her biology is no longer convinced that you've got the genes it wants. Otherwise, she'd still be wet and tingly.
When a man cheats, there is no inherent judgment, no inherent comparison between his girlfriend/wife and his mistress. It's a straightforward statement that the girl he's seeking appears fertile. That's all. It's just variety for variety's sake. A man can love a woman but still desire sex with others. Men seek variety whereas women seek to upgrade. Variety makes perfect evolutionary sense for men, whereas for women it makes no sense to fuck 100 guys, it just makes sense to fuck the best guy she can as much as she can. I think these considerations explain why everyone is so nonchalant about Peter's womanizing. It could even be that the longer he stays with his girlfriend, the less offensive his flings become in people's eyes, because he's shown that they are no threat to his commitment to the girlfriend.
We were playing a game where there are cards and you ask each other personal/sexual questions. One of the questions on the cards was "Which is worse, an emotional or physical affair." The girls all agreed that an emotional affair is worse. They fear being abandoned and losing that material support, but if you go dump your semen in someone else and then come back to them, they're not really worse off, now are they? You can't say this when the situation is reversed though due to the risk of cuckolding.
It almost seems like in the case of Peter, both him and his girlfriend are viewed positively. He's seen as a lovable rascal that can't control his impulses, and she's a lovely lady, just so nice, poor thing. I think if the situation were reversed, both parties would be viewed in a negative light. The cheating girl would be considered a slut, and the guy would be considered a pathetic putz. My friends sympathize with Peter's girlfriend, but people have surprisingly little sympathy for chumps. A cheating girl would be considered slutty, but hard to blame her since her boyfriend is a chump, people would say.