Just spent a weekend with some of my fiance's friends. We were three long-term cohabiting couples, me and Ashley, "Mary" and "Frank," and finally "Rita" and "Adam." Inevitably the conversation turned to sex multiple times. This weekend has provided me with material for at least two posts. Here's what I can report for the first post.
My fiance Ashley and Mary both were honest about sometimes lacking desire, and joked about having to turn me and Frank away at times when we wanted sex. Rita, on the other hand, said that it was more often Adam that turned HER away for sex. She said she still frequently wanted sex.
Here's what I observed during the weekend. Frank, who gets turned away for sex, seems a bit beta, but not too bad. He's not as bad as I used to be, but he's worse than I am now since having been reformed thanks to game and the manosphere. And he clearly doesn't have any good understanding of how he should properly deal with his woman. He seems to be grasping at times, sometimes doing the right thing, sometimes giving in. I could easily see her wearing him down more and more over time until he would become as bad as I was. For the moment he pushes back a bit, but I saw him cede too easily, and he tolerated her snapping at him over stupid shit. A couple times she acted way out of line, and used a very disrespectful tone with him and he just looked frustrated and confused. I tried to help him out in these situations. At one point when I felt she was acting inappropriately toward him I even turned to him and said "Hey Frank, you know I'm sure there's probably lots of other pretty girls in this town." He responded by saying "Yeah I think you're probably right about that." This actually calmed Mary down a bit. But it didn't make her backtrack and take back what she was saying. My outlook is not great for Frank. Seems like her shit-testing is pretty fierce, and his lack of firm responses have already resulted in a decrease in her respect for him, as evidenced by her tone of voice on multiple occasions. I will ask Ashley how long they've been living together. Seems like he might be making the mistakes I made. Move in together and start failing the barrage of tests. I'll try to council him when I see him.
Now, the other couple is different. Rita still frequently wants sex from Adam. I couldn't observe Adam's interactions with Rita because he was absent most of the weekend, I can only report on how Rita talked about their interactions. I can say that Adam works a job where he must be physically fit. He's not very tall but he is decently muscled and I know he is sporty. In addition to this, she says when they disagree about something, she lets it be, because he scares her. She insisted on this, repeating it a couple times. She didn't mention him ever becoming physically violent, but she said she feels genuine fear when he gets really angry. She did not give any indication that this made her less interested in remaining in a relationship with him. This did not jeopardize their relationship, it just made her stay calm instead of escalating and pissing him off more.
I continue to be slightly confused about how to handle disagreements/fighting. There seems to be two camps, and maybe both work equally well. There's those who say you shouldn't ever let a woman upset you. You should stay calm, imperturbable, treat her like a child, say what you have to say once and don't let her drag you into a fight. Then there is also plentiful evidence that scaring them, yelling, and showing your anger can also have a gina-tingling effect. I suspect that the right answer is probably to be imperturbable around 95% of the time, but occasionally righteous, scary anger is called for to put her in her place.
I am hoping to spend more time with Rita and Adam in the future to observe more of their interactions.
Yes, I mostly do the cool stuff, but sometimes real anger is called for. My wife never seems to mind the latter. A woman shouting at a man is bad news for both of them. But the reverse seems to be tenable.
ReplyDeleteJust a short burst of anger is all it should take. Don't rant on. Nothing actually physical, of course.
On counseling Frank, beware that just like in the Matrix, some minds aren't ready for the red pill. A friend of mine whose marriage was on the rocks (for many reasons) recently went through a small crisis situation where it looked like another man was making a move on his wife. I tried desperately to get him to understand his beta programming, but he simply couldn't free his mind and it was too late. He is no longer married. Worse, our friendship was strained as a result, as he took personal offense to the idea that his wife would actually respond to some game. Needless to say, she's responding to the new guy's game quite well.
ReplyDeleteAs far as anger goes, I think it helps if you are really intense and passionate about certain things. My GF hasn't ever seen me angry at her to the point of yelling, but she's still scared of it ever happening. I'm pretty sure this is because she's connected the dots on what would happen if my intensity pathways ever hooked up with my anger pathways - nothing physical, but it wouldn't be pretty. If you've ever been to Danny from 504's site, you can tell he exudes passion and intensity in spades. 99% of the time he's a very positive guy, but should you cross him and make the red mist descend, doom on you! I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that most chicks he's dated would say they'd be scared of him angry, even though they've probably never seen it.
I think you're on to something concerning being passionate. Unfortunately I am not that high-energy most of the time. I used to get made fun of for talking in such a monotone way. Almost no one can read my emotions. I could be ecstatically happy or crushed and sad and most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference. "Passionate" is not a word people would be likely to use to describe me.
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