When you're with a woman, you should be doing a shared activity. Otherwise, get away from her. I have failed at this miserably. The last three years my fiance and I have lived together. The first year I worked part time and she was a student. So we were both around the apartment a lot. Not doing stuff together necessarily, both just there. The second year we were both students. Once again, despite being busy with schoolwork, (we're doing master's degrees, she has finished, I'm still going), we're nonetheless both home a lot. Not doing things together, we're both just there. The third year of living together, which is the present situation, she's finished school, but not found full time work. She'll work full time for a few weeks, then not have work, then work part time for a month, etc. I'm still a student. I'm very busy, but I'm at the apartment, a lot. I don't want to think about the number of hours me and my fiance have spent both just being around each other. Not interacting, not talking, not doing anything together, but being around. I think this is one of the things that killed the attraction.
I've been trying to change. Now, instead of studying at home, I go to the library. I don't like spending money unnecessarily, but instead of drinking a coffee at home, I should try to go out more. Get out of the apartment. How can someone be attracted to the lump that's constantly there? Is a man sexy if you know where he is 99% of the time, and you know that he's just right there in the apartment, 75% of the time? Even if I'm studying at the library, that can still create at some level of her brain a little tinge of dread, like Roissy talks about. Because, hey, there are other girls at the library. Sometimes I'll talk to them. Sometimes I'll run into acquaintances and then when I go back home I can mention it innocently to her. I feel so bad when I think back at the thousands of hours that I've just lingered around the apartment. Even when I have nothing to do, I'm going to try to go do nothing somewhere else.
When you're just lingering around, you become a prime target for nagging. You become a prime target for all those probing questions that will allow her to discover that you're not in charge, that you don't have a plan, that you're just drifting along. I hate it when Ashley asks me what I'm planning on doing. Because 99% of the time I've got no plan. I like to go with the flow. But when she starts asking, she starts taking control. If I don't have a plan, she'll start making a plan for me.
But now I've got a plan. My plan is to try to never just be around. Make the time with your girl meaningful. If you're both just around you might as well be in a retirement home waiting to die. Do something together or go away. Get out of the apartment. Don't be around.
Good stuff. I think you are in the same boat I am. I'll keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAny other good ideas on how to "not be around"?
So you're a student living with your girlfriend/fiance/wife? One easy one is instead of coming straight home after classes, go for a coffee or a beer or whatever with a classmate. And don't necessarily mention it to your gf beforehand. If she ends up calling you asking where you are, you've done a good job. Just casually tell her you're grabbing a drink with some friends. It's always good to come home slightly later than she expects. Part of 'not being around' is avoiding being too perfectly boring and predictable.
DeleteAlways try to study at the library or a coffee shop and not just at home when the gf is there too.
Find a hobby that takes you out of the apartment. If your hobby is something indoors, find a friend that does it too and do it at HIS apartment/house.
If you're watching sports on tv, find a friend that wants to watch the same game and go watch it at his place or in a bar.
Identify times when you and the girl are both just around the apartment with nothing in particular to do, and start to plan activities. If you're both free, why not go to a movie, go for a walk, go for a drink, go to a museum, go shopping (books/movies/something more fun than clothes. Get yourself nice clothes but god clothes shopping kills me).
Anytime you ARE both just at the apartment with nothing in particular to do, try to initiate sex. If you're both going to be staying home, make the most of it! ;)
Not a student and don't have many friends in the area. I need to be working on the friends part. Living with a girl really kills that.
ReplyDeleteYes your number one priority needs to be getting some friends. Your girlfriend cannot be your whole world or your whole social life. Her friends will never be your friends. Yes, you can like them and be friendly with them, but you need your own friends.
ReplyDeleteIf your whole social life is your girlfriend and her friends, that will make you seem very boring to her and the relationship will suffer and you will not be as happy.
Ok, but when you ARE together and just "being around" her, look for small opportunities to order her around and dominate here. Any orders will do. Even if they're stuff she likes doing anyway. The important thing is that you're telling her to do them.
ReplyDeleteFor example, something I used on a recent "just sitting around watching TV" night:
She went down the hall to use the bathroom. When she came out, I said, firmly but nicely, "hey, come here."
She did.
When she was standing in front of me, I grabbed the front of her shirt, pulled her in, and kissed her good.
Then I pushed her back up an told her "Ok, I'm done. Go sit down now" in a more-playful-than-mean tone.
She did.
Later, at bedtime, she asked me why I was being so sweet to her.
Right... I ordered her around, forced her to kiss me, and tossed her aside when I was done. She thought that was romantic.
It's weird, but I'm learning to roll with it.
Good advice once again. For me this will basically be to flip the script on her. Ashley always finds little things for me to do. I swear sometimes it seems like 5 minutes don't go by where she doesn't call me from the other room to "come here" or "come see this" or "I need help with something" or "you should see what's on tv, you would find this interesting (never do), etc etc.
DeleteWhen my wife asks me to do something for her that she could easily do herself, I tell her "I don't work for free. Pay up."
DeleteGrab her, kiss her, push her away, THEN do what she asked.
This works out very well. She's happy because she thinks I'm being romantic and kissed her spontaneously. What really happened was that I gave her an order and she obeyed, so it breaks the beta-ness of complying with her shit test because she complied first.
And if she calls you into the room to look at something, don't just poke your head in the room. Go over to where she is and put your hand on her in a subtly domineering fashion - head, neck, shoulder. Maybe push off a little when you leave.
Or, if she shows you something boring, complain "you brought me in here for this? You owe me big time. Pay up." Then make her kiss you.
Obviously not all this is not appropriate every time for every request, but do give it a try and see if you like her response.
And tone of delivery is important. Don't sound frustrated, aim for "slightly disappointed that a smart girl like her she thought she could get a freebie"